What if I just want to be broken so that only HE can make me whole?
I know that sounds like an oxymoron, and probably even crazy in today's hyper-focused "love yourself" culture, but hear me out...
I've spent the past year trying to become whole. Heal all my hurts, fix all my flaws, rid myself of all my insecurities. But for what? So that I could feel like I'm good enough? Because that's what needs to happen before I would truly be ready for a relationship?
Well that's great and all in theory, but let's be honest: you're never going to ever be 100% ready for anything. And while my personal reason for wanting to be whole was to be the best possible (future) spouse I could be, this desire really applies to anything in life.
If I've learned anything over this past year it's that you're never fully healed. Because if you were, then you wouldn't need God. Haven't you ever noticed that you tend to lean on God just a little bit less when things are going smoothly? But if we take a look at the word we'll see Jesus says what we really need in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." The word here couldn't be more clear, we need Jesus. Nothing else will do.
That void in your heart, you know the one. The endless pit that literally nothing can fill. That's where God left a space in you for Himself. It's in that place where His love comes in and does the impossible. It empowers you to be the best version of yourself. It graciously prompts you to be more kind, more compassionate, more gentle, more patient, and most of all more loving. Why would you want to go through life without that? No matter how healed you are, that's not living life with the glass half full.
Because being whole was never something you were made to be on your own. As backwards as it sounds, we need to start approaching this whole self love thing differently. Rather than looking at your shortcomings as a bad thing, start seeing them as the opportunities that they are. Remember God's strength is made perfect in your weakness. All the areas where you're cracked are where His light shines through the brightest. "But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord." - 2 Corinthians 3:18
So do yourself a favor and stop trying to have it all figured out. Instead, start trusting that the One who brought you into this earth did it the way He did, at the time He did, because he already had it all figured out. He's seen your end from your beginning, and the more you try and get healed without Him, the further you're going to end up getting away from Him.